What made Ariana Grande’s anthem “Thank U, Next” so special for lots of us is that she reflected on her exes with gratitude instead of dwelling on the pain
“One taught me love, one taught me patience, and one taught me pain.”
Sound familiar? Yeah, us too.
Like Ari, we’ve collected a lineup of our past relationships — some sweet, some chaotic, but all educational in their own way. No matter how messy or unfulfilling some loves were, we’re still singing the same tune: I’m so, I’m so grateful for my ex.
Love
Mallory: My most recent ex was the definition of the perfect boyfriend.
Esme: My first love felt like something straight out of a John Green novel (minus the fact it was in Doncaster).
Mallory: We met in France on a ski holiday in a kind of whirlwind fling and developed at rocket’s pace when we returned to the UK.
Esme: We met in sixth form. It started with shy glances across the common room and soon turned to texting into the early hours of the morning. He was my first kiss, my first everything.
Mallory: He was empathetic, honest, and so open to being vulnerable. But I needed to move into this new chapter of life in London single, so I broke up with him.
Esme: We were obsessed with each other in that embarrassing teenage way – it was the kind of love you throw yourself into because you don’t know any different.
Mallory: I look for him in every guy I meet now, not because I want to be with him but because he taught me the blueprint of what it means to be treated with respect.
Esme: We grew up together. I thought I was going to marry him.
Mallory: I’d been told before that I wasn’t worthy of anything better, that I was sensitive and dramatic. But he changed my perception of who I was. He taught me to stick up for myself. With him, my backbone grew.
Esme: He taught me to be myself, to trust my emotions and to fully experience love.
Mallory: He showed me that love means having a level of mutual respect and an understanding that both people are their own person, with quirks and abnormalities.
Esme: The best way to look at relationships is to enjoy them, not overthink every tiny detail and live in them the way I did when I was 17: clueless but going with the flow.
Mallory: Love is being there for one another in successes and falls from grace. Love is not obsession; it is acceptance.
Patience
Esme: I’m learning patience in my current relationship.
Mallory: I dated a guy in my late teens who treated me like a doormat. And it was in the years after our breakup that my patience was really tested.
Esme: We grow up thinking that love just happens, that you fall into it. Social media pushes this “cut them off at the first red flag” mindset, so it’s easy to believe that if something isn’t effortless, it’s not right. But relationships take work – listening and trying to see things from someone else’s perspective takes a lot of patience.
Mallory: This ex is in my friend group. Often, it’s hard, as I now have to act unfazed while being privy to unsolicited gossip about him – news no ex should have to hear.
Esme: A healthy relationship means being open and vulnerable. I have to tell him what I need, then give him space to listen and respond. Love isn’t just about finding the right person – it’s about growing and adapting together.
Mallory: But when you grow apart, no one ever talks about when you can’t go no-contact, when they are in your life for good, for better or for worse (ironic).
Esme: I’ve realised I can’t expect someone to understand my brain if I never actually let them in.
Mallory: In the times I’ve needed to hold my tongue and the times I’ve had to do breathing exercises in the bathroom during shared dinners, all I can ever think about is how to be patient… grace & decorum.
Esme: As cliché as it sounds, good things really do come to those who wait.
Pain
Mallory: So much of my romantic life has been defined by pain.
Esme: In 2022, I tried to convince a boy, who I thought was the love of my life, to commit to me after a year of on-and-off dating.
Mallory: I’ve had six serious boyfriends and countless situationships in the span of eight years – only two of those boyfriends have treated me properly.
Esme: It stings, not because of how much he messed me around, but because I don’t think he intended to. Maybe I’m delusional, but I think he was confused and scared.
Mallory: My first boyfriend dumped me over text after two years of being together with the classic “I don’t love you anymore.”
Esme: It would be easier to call him awful, to hate him – but I don’t. This made it harder to move on.
Mallory: The third boyfriend dumped me in a boiler closet at a high school Halloween party because he was in love with one of my best friends.
Esme: The relationship ate away at my self-esteem, confirmed every insecurity I had, and made me slowly lose myself each time we ended things. I would go back just to test his feelings for me… or wait for him to slide into my DMs.
Mallory: The fifth was a serial cheater. He would say the most heinous things about my body, my friends, and my personality.
Esme: Each time, I thought it would be different. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.
Mallory: Consistently waking up to “maybe I’d be able to love you if you lost five pounds” or “don’t worry, I think about you when I am sleeping with her” wasn’t the easiest for an impressionable 19-year-old.
Esme: He taught me that sometimes attachment is masked as love. I was just attached to the idea of him.
Mallory: I’ve blocked a lot of that out now.
Esme: There is nothing worse than being handed false hope. When you truly believe someone wants you, you can feel it in your gut. I could see all the “what could be” – he showed me all the signs when he wanted to but he just couldn’t give it to me.
Mallory: After months of being single (for the first time since pre-puberty), I’ve finally reflected on what years of damage points have done to me.
Esme: He taught me pain but not in a cruel way – more in a this-is-the-lesson-you-need-to-learn way.
Mallory: I’m deeply sensitive, yet I struggle with being vulnerable out of fear that someone might use it against me.
Esme: Love isn’t something you earn.
Mallory: As much as I’ve let men bully me for my softness, I no longer see it as a weakness.
Thanks to all the boyfriends, situationships, and exes, we’ve come out stronger. We can love them, hate them or not care at all, but they’ve taught us something (whether we wanted the lesson or not). We’ve grown from it, so yes, we are so fucking grateful for our ex.
