Dear Ex-pert
I’ve just broken up with my partner but we are still in the same friendship group. With birthday parties coming up that we’re both invited to, I don’t know how to navigate this. Do I take some time away from the group while it’s still raw? I don’t want to distance myself, but I’m worried it’s going to be painful to see my ex at these gatherings. I also don’t want to make things awkward for our mates. Please help!
From
A friend to an ex
Dear Friend-to-an-ex
Sharing friends post-breakup can be really frustrating. In a perfect world, your breakup would be yours to conduct in any way you see fit. If you don’t want to see your ex for the next three months (or ever again), then that should be your choice.
But sharing friends takes some of your power away. You’re bound to run into them at something, and it’ll probably happen sooner rather than later.
There’s a lot of anxiety that comes with that possibility. After any breakup, it’s natural to compare yourself to your ex. There’s an irrational part of our brain that wants to win the split. To be the one who moves on the most gracefully makes the most nonplussed jokes, and (eventually) gets the hotter partner.
And while you’re trying to outwardly appear your best, a breakup can batter your ego – even if you’re the one who instigated it. Friends are a great source of validation; they’ll help boost your confidence when you’re low and buoy you up when talking badly about yourself.
But there are two important things to remember. Firstly, there are no winners or losers in any breakup. Secondly, the only person thinking about your breakup as much as you is your partner.
Keeping that in mind is really important when you head into big group settings. Your friends, even though I’m sure that they’re completely enraptured with you as a person, will mostly have their minds on other things. They’ll be too busy catching up with each other, hearing about work drama, and discussing the latest episode of Severance to be paying the two of you any mind.
This means there’s only one person you need to think about here: your ex. It’s important for you to decide when you’re ready to see them and in what capacity. Seeing them from the other side of the table at a 30-person pub birthday might be fine, but a dinner at a friend’s house might prove too much. Think about what your exposure will be and evaluate if you feel up to it on the day.
There’s one thing I can guarantee, though – your friends will totally understand. If you don’t feel like facing your ex, no one will judge you for skipping a social event or two. Just be present when you can, and if group hangs aren’t giving you enough time to see your mates, make some plans of your own.
Your friends are your biggest supporters in a breakup; they’ll show up for you in any way they can – just let them know how.
Yours
Ex-pert