Alice Lambert and Hanna McNeila explore if ghosting can actually be the kindest option

Breadcrumbing, love bombing, cushioning—if it’s happened to you, the chronically online have probably given it a catchy name. But let’s be real, if you haven’t heard a few ‘I’ve been ghosted’ sob stories by now, you’ve probably been living under a rock. In these situations, we’re usually pretty quick to sympathise with the ghosted, but what about the ghosters? 

David McDowell considers himself an avid ghoster, but the incident that stands out most in David’s mind was leaving a two-year-long partner on read. He was 21-years-old, living in New York during his second year at NYU when he met his boyfriend, who at the time was 36. After McDowell decided to move to Berlin for his study abroad programme the pair made it official.  “We’d been going strong for about two years until one time when he visited me in Berlin,” he recalls. “We went out with all my friends, and he paid for our drinks all night. He called me a cab home, as he was going to the airport, and he did his usual little text to check in with me after he left. I never responded to him again”. McDowell not only decided not to reply but removed him on all platforms. 

McDowell attributes his decision to a “moment of self-reflection” after debriefing his friends. “It’s nice that your dad came out with us and paid for our drinks,” McDowell remembers his friends joking. “In the moment I felt embarrassed which came from my friends passing judgement on that partner, but also from the fact that I didn’t love having this person around who was buying me things for my affection. So I thought, “In the way that he doesn’t owe me anything, I don’t owe him anything”. 

Reflecting on the situation four years later, McDowell would be unlikely to repeat his actions. “I probably should have spoken to him about it and handled it better.  At no point did I ever think, I’m going to get something out of ending it. I could just move on and immediately focus elsewhere. In retrospect, I don’t really agree with that mindset, but that’s where it came from.“

Ghosting is often a form of self-preservation. According to California-based psychotherapist Leah Aguirre, it primarily functions as “avoidance behaviour”. She explains: “We’re in this modern dating culture where it’s easy to hide behind phones and technology to avoid difficult conversations and interactions.”

This sentiment is echoed by therapist Kayla Knopp, who understands that many choose to ghost in relationships to avoid the pain of expressing feelings that may hurt the receiver: “It is really uncomfortable and painful to have a conversation with somebody that draws a boundary or ends a relationship. So ghosting is a way of avoiding that conversation. It can feel self-protective.” Ghosting comes primarily from preservation, even if we try to convince ourselves that ghosting is a way of preventing pain for the other person. 

Ghosting is often a form of self-preservation

“I think that we all know that nobody likes being rejected,” she notes. “So I do believe people tell themselves the kinder thing is to just cut off contact and have a clean break, rather than have a conversation they know is going to be painful for somebody.

“I think anybody who’s been ghosted can tell you that that’s not actually true.”

Aguirre also points out the added pain this causes a person being ghosted. “It almost feels like there’s an effort involved in ghosting. The inaction itself becomes an action, because it would be so easy to send a quick text. Even something simple –  ‘Hey, I don’t think there’s a romantic connection,’ or, ‘I see this as more platonic,’ would be better than ignoring them. It feels even more upsetting now because there’s really no good reason not to respond.”

But is it really fair to call every person who stops responding a ‘ghoster’? It feels like we attribute the term to all no-contact behaviour, from not responding after three weeks of Hinge chat to vanishing on your partner of two years. These situations are hardly the same.

Knopp thinks we are overusing the term ghosting, “especially in the early stages of dating”. “When people are chatting on a dating app or have only gone on one date and then don’t hear from the person again, I wouldn’t necessarily call that ghosting,” she explains. “There isn’t really a reasonable expectation of commitment at that stage.”

This might be the case for 25-year-old Lucy Brimelow. After matching with a girl on Hinge, Brimelow quickly organised a date and time for a drink  – not wanting a long conversation to fizzle out any sparks. Disaster struck when Lucy smashed her phone cycling home from work. 

“I can’t message her,” she explains. “I don’t know what her phone number is. I don’t have her on any social media. I don’t even know her surname. There’s no way I could get in touch with her.”

To this girl, Lucy just went AWOL. There was no way of reconnecting as Lucy’s Hinge account was inaccessible, requiring a new code to be sent to her phone – which was gone for good! “I even tried to log in to Hinge on my dad’s phone, and it wouldn’t let me,” she laughs. Lucy believes it’s a shame they never got to meet, as she felt they would have got on well.

Is this experience really ghosting? Yes, contact was cut – but as stated by Knopp, there was no “reasonable expectation of commitment at that stage.”

Similarly, Lauren Bailey went on the perfect first date with someone she had matched with on Hinge. She put on her best dress and heels while her date arrived in a suit, trousers and shirt – they spent the night with flowing conversation. On the second date, something shifted. The pair both arrived in much more casual wear, donning baggy jeans, jumpers and trainers. “I think maybe after seeing each other in normal clothes, we both were at the same time like, ‘nah’”. The pair mutually never spoke to each other again, “It felt like a bit of a stalemate.”  

While no one is arguing that a simple ‘It was lovely to meet you, but I don’t think we have a connection’ text is appreciated, we probably shouldn’t be angry about someone who ‘ghosts’ us after one meeting.  As Knopp highlights, at this point in a relationship, we don’t actually have any commitment expectations from the other person, so using the term ghosting feels slightly unjustified, especially if you’ve never met.  

“I want to encourage folks that really early on in dating, it isn’t necessarily wise to expect a high level of commitment from somebody else before you’ve really made that commitment together. And so take no communication as the communication that it is,” says Knopp. Although she does note that a quick, kind text is still probably the nicest way out of your next situationship. 

So maybe we need to start cutting these so-called ‘ghosters’ some slack and save the insults only for those who truly commit the mother of all vanishing acts.