Dear Ex-pert
I’ve been seriously considering breaking up with my boyfriend, but here’s the thing – we’ve already booked a non-refundable holiday together. I know the relationship has run its course, but I don’t want us to lose money we worked hard for. Should I go through the breakup now or postpone it until after the trip? If you think I should go on the holiday, do you have any tips on how to survive the trip with my boyfriend and still manage to enjoy myself?
From
A hopeful holiday maker
Dear Hopeful-holiday-maker
Ah, now, isn’t this a tricky one? Having a holiday planned with someone you want to break up with is pretty much a lose-lose scenario. As you rightly said, you’ve spent a lot of money on this holiday, and the thought of losing that cash can be devastating. And even if you do suck it up and get on that flight, you’re probably going to spend the whole time wishing you were anywhere else.
So, what’s a boy to do? As uncomfortable as it may be, honesty is probably the best policy here, but with one big caveat: it’s probably not a good idea to tell your partner that in your head, they’re already carrying their boxes out the door.
It is a good idea, though, to tell them you’re having concerns about the relationship. The normality of everyday life can hide a multitude of sins – you spend time apart at work, you see your friends, you can spend time on your own – all of which can make the preamble to a breakup bearable.
But when you’re two days into a holiday, staring down the bottom of a mai tai with only your partner to speak to for the next ten days, things are bound to bubble up to the surface. Their every move will drive you mad, and you won’t be able to enjoy any of your holiday.
That’s why it’s important to release as much of the built-up pressure before the holiday. Have a couple of conversations to explain how you’re feeling. Approach the conversations gently; remember that you’re actively trying to avoid breaking up before the holiday, but give your partner an opportunity to hear what you’re going through and what you think needs to change.
As tough as those conversations may be, they’ll create the possibility of a shift in your relationship. Maybe your partner will take the conversations to heart, and you’ll find yourself on holiday remembering all the things you like about them.
Or maybe after the conversations, nothing changes at all. That’s ok, too, because at least then they can’t say you didn’t try.
And you get to enjoy the holiday guilt-free.
Yours
Ex-pert