The Split talks to psychologists and ex-male manipulators to explore the debilitating consequences of this commonplace saying

“Mate, she was an absolute psycho.”

It’s a phrase you’ll hear in bars, WhatsApp chats, and viral TikTok rants about “crazy exes”. But behind every throwaway comment, there’s a story that often remains untold. When relationships break down, men frequently summarise the entire experience with a single word: psycho. But why is it the go-to insult? And what does it reveal about power, control, and the way we navigate heartbreak?

Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD in psychology and an expert in coercive control, explains how this rhetoric functions: “Calling someone ‘psycho’ invalidates their actions, thoughts, and feelings. Abusers will often call their victims ‘crazy’ as a way of denying or minimizing their own actions. This is gaslighting.”

The term has deep historical roots, dating back to ancient ideas of hysteria – derived from hystera, the Greek word for uterus. The belief that women were inherently irrational shaped centuries of misogyny, from Shakespeare’s Ophelia to the Salem witch trials. Over time, language evolved. By the 20th century, “hysterical” became “psycho” – a word that originally referred to serious mental illness but is now casually used to dismiss a woman’s emotions. 

Fontes explains that this dynamic is particularly damaging in breakups: “If you doubt your own perceptions and your own definition of reality, it is difficult to seek help. Many victims of coercive control believe their abusers who tell them that they are the problem.”

For many women, the fear of being labelled crazy has lasting consequences

Farida Thonbanthum, 25, was one of them. In her early twenties, she was in a relationship that, from the outside, looked passionate but was, in reality, deeply unstable. She found herself constantly questioning her own emotions; an insecurity reinforced by the way her partner dismissed arguments.

“It started during bickering and arguments when he would say, ‘you’re just overthinking.’ Eventually, he’d repeatedly say, ‘you’re crazy’ or ‘you’re psycho.’ It was always about how he acted in social situations.”

She recalls how her ex-partner behaved differently around others, making her question which version of him was real. But when she raised her concerns, he dismissed them, turning her doubt back onto her. “I would call him out, and it got to the point where he convinced me I was psycho and over-analysing, to the point where I believed him.”

For many women, the fear of being labelled crazy has lasting consequences. It teaches them to suppress valid emotions, downplay concerns, and avoid confrontation altogether.

Theo Cross, 28, admits he once relied on the “psycho ex” trope to justify his own behaviour. “After a bad breakup when I was younger, I told my friends she was crazy. The reality? She called me out on my bullshit, and I wasn’t ready to take responsibility. It was easier to paint her as unhinged than admit I’d hurt her.”

Another offender, Dan Bennets, 32, says he only realised the impact years later when a female friend pointed out how dismissive and damaging the label was. “Looking back, I cringe. It’s a lazy, cowardly way to shut someone down. It meant I didn’t have to reflect on my role in the breakup. I just got sympathy instead.”

The power of the “psycho” label extends beyond individual relationships. It follows women into social circles, new relationships, and even online spaces. A man who describes his ex as “crazy” isn’t just venting – he’s shaping how others see her, ensuring she is not taken seriously.

Social media amplifies this dynamic. Entire Reddit threads and TikTok trends revolve around men sharing “psycho ex” stories, often without context, encouraging audiences to mock women’s emotions. The narrative spreads quickly, while the woman in question has little opportunity to defend herself.

Even phrases like high-maintenance or overly attached girlfriend serve the same function: to ridicule women for expressing needs, desires, or boundaries in relationships.

Fontes advises those struggling with the impact of gaslighting and coercive control to seek support: “Psychotherapy and support groups can be extremely important. I would also urge people to take a deep dive into the concept of coercive control to understand the ways they may have been manipulated.”

The next time you hear someone dismiss an ex as psycho, ask them: what do you mean by that? More often than not, the answer will reveal more about them than about her. It’s time to stop using the word as an easy excuse and acknowledge the real emotional complexities of heartbreak.