Two decades after He’s Just Not That Into You became the ultimate breakup bible, how well does its advice hold up? We revisit the bestselling guide’s most iconic excuses and see where modern love and heartbreak demand a rewrite.
When a breakup gets rough, and your friends’ advice isn’t cutting it, you may be tempted to reach for the self-help guide of the moment. This was certainly the case for women across the world when the international bestseller He’s Just Not That Into You, co-authored by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, was published just over two decades ago.
The guide takes its readers through every imaginable Noughties relationship woe, from affairs with married men to what to do when your crush won’t pick up the phone. Behrendt, Agony Uncle style, responds to queries and dilemmas in the form of common “excuses” before Tuccillo rounds off the chapter with the ‘female perspective’.
But where does the seminal guide’s advice need updating for a modern audience that perhaps don’t fit into Behrendt’s heteronormative model? That’s where The Split steps in! We’re taking you through everything the self-help book has to say on heartbreak, with a few notes of our own.
The “But He Misses Me” excuse
“Don’t be flattered that he misses you,” Behrendt argues. “He should miss you. You’re deeply missable.” It still stands that a breakup isn’t a reflection of your character. The key takeaway for the modern reader? Whether the breakup was their choice, yours, or a mutual conclusion – if they’re not making any real effort to get back together, it’s time to move on.
The “But It Really Takes the Pressure Off of Us” excuse
The dilemma, in this case, focuses on whether you should continue sleeping with an ex post-breakup. Behrendt seems to think that the partner concerned has hit the jackpot of male achievement: “He goes out with you, dates you, breaks up with you, then continues to sleep with you, which basically absolves him of all responsibility toward your feelings. It’s genius! It’s diabolical!”.
Genius? Diabolical? Sleeping with your ex isn’t an accomplishment of Machiavellian proportions. Clear boundaries are important, especially when there’s a history involved, but on the whole, sleep with whomever you want. Switch up your relationship style to whatever works best – just make sure you’re not harbouring any expectations that returning to your ex’s bed means a second shot at a committed relationship together. (More on this here).
The “But Everyone is Doing It” excuse
There’s a familiarity about sleeping with an ex that can add to the excitement of it all.
Ignoring some of Behrendt’s outdated claims – “Face it, you’re a woman, and women can’t separate sex and emotions” (yikes) – it’s important to realise the sex is so good because there’s a history there. For those making the jump (into your ex’s bed), emotions don’t have to be a big part of sex, but if they are for you, make sure they’re ones you want.
The “But Then He Wants to Get Back Together” excuse
If he’s crawling back, he’s crawled away before. In a survey of The Split’s readers, over a third of respondents said that they’d consider getting back with an ex. But of those, there was a shared emphasis on changed behaviour, real effort, and an acknowledgement of wrongdoing. There’s always a chance that someone you once loved could find a way to fit back into your life, but what if all the evidence points to a cycle of heartbreak? Cut your losses and move on.
The “But I’m So Damn Nice” excuse
It’s one thing to stay on good terms; it’s another to keep doing them favours. Behrendt’s keen to point out to the reader – who is being roped into driving their ex-partner for dental surgery, of all things – not to “confuse being classy with being a doormat”. While wanting to remain friends or eventually get back together can overpower all attempts at objectivity, there’s a point at which self-respect needs to take precedence.
The “I Do Not Accept His Breakup” excuse
“Whatever happened to that super confident, strong willed woman?” Behrendt cries. “Has she been reduced to a grovelling lunatic? No, she hasn’t, so cut it out.” Hate to disappoint you, Greg, but the effects of heartbreak on the heartbroken are powerful enough to send anyone slightly out of their minds. Maybe it’s time we accept that insanity is the secret sixth stage of grief.
One point that stands the test of time is that it’s not the loss of your partner that will haunt you but your behaviour during the split. So, whenever you’re tempted to open up Instagram and have a tear-soaked scroll, consider the likelihood of double-tapping a family snapshot from 2017. Nothing’s more heartbreaking than the ensuing damage to your self-esteem.