A generation ago, a breakup in your late twenties might have felt disastrous, but what about now?

With societal pressures urging you to settle down and start a family by 30, the thought of starting over was daunting. Even today, by the time you hit 28, your Instagram feed is likely filled with posts flaunting manicured hands adorned with diamond rings, and captioned “I said yes”. But do we actually feel the same urgency to keep up as we once did? 

For Mira Sumanti, her “monumental break up” moment was when she was 29. With their dream wedding in Bali only five weeks away, her fiancé suddenly called off the wedding. “It was a complete shock,” she says. “30 feels like the age when people think you’re supposed to be married, maybe even with kids, and settled in life and everything just crumbles. It felt like a double blow.”  

To make matters worse, her younger sister got engaged just a few months after the split. “I’m Indonesian and so in my culture, I was branded as “failed.” I ended up avoiding weddings and big family events because I didn’t want to be asked, ‘What happened?’ or ‘When are you getting married?’ It was a lot to deal with.”

Despite worrying about being judged by her family, her perspective really shifted after a conversation with her two younger cousins at her sister’s wedding. 

“They follow me on Instagram, they’re still in high school and university. When they saw me, they weren’t asking about my cancelled wedding – they were talking about my travels, my work, my life in Amsterdam. 

They admired all these things about me that I thought didn’t matter. They didn’t see marriage as the ultimate milestone. And in that moment, I realised – I should see myself that way too.”

According to a 2024 Statista study, since the 1970s, the average marriage age in England and Wales has steadily increased. In 1972, men married at an average age of 27.4; this was up to 39.7 by 2019, while women’s average marriage age grew from 24.7 to 37.3 in the same period.

Dating coach Mila Smith says that feeling pressure to settle down and start a family at this point in life is completely normal, but she encourages her clients to look at the broader picture. “Society these days is more understanding,” she explains. “My parents’ generation, for example, was different. When I was single, my mother always thought it was tragic and embarrassing – which is not exactly the feeling that younger generations have. But there is pressure. If you want to be with someone, if you want to start a family, it’s there.” 

Smith tries to remind those who have gone through breakups and are single in their 30s, “there is time.” “The work you can do on yourself during that period after a breakup will for sure change the course of your life and if you want children, in your children’s lives as well.”

Heartbreak doesn’t follow a timeline

For Alex Poggi, her breakup at 37 taught her exactly this. Poggi had been with her boyfriend for four years. The pair lived together, their lives completely intertwined. “Like many people, I wanted marriage. He hadn’t proposed, but whenever we talked about it, he would say, “I’m so committed to you. What else can I do to show it?” 

But for Poggi’s boyfriend, it was the pressure of seeing his friends get married that pushed him in the opposite direction and made him realise he wasn’t ready for a lifelong commitment. “He started acting odd and distant. I assumed the wedding had triggered some pressure. A few days later, he said he wanted to be alone.”

Since the breakup eight months ago, it’s been difficult for Poggi to envision any relationship or marriage at all. “Since I’ve been going through this, I have friends saying ‘We’ve got to get you out there. Don’t worry, we’re going to find someone for you.’ And I’ve realised.  I’m not worried.” Poggi says, “I live in a rural area, and some of my friends lean more toward that traditional, marriage-focused endgame; that’s the goal for life and dating as a woman and that’s totally fine. But I like social media because it opens up another facet of the population that reinforces that it’s okay if that’s not your path.”

According to life coach Fenella Rouse, societal pressures surrounding breakups can be felt throughout life and evolve at different stages. It’s not linear. “Breakups are always difficult and influenced by societal expectations,” she says. “It’s common for people in their 70s to feel like they shouldn’t be experiencing these emotions at this stage in life”.

While we’ve made progress in challenging societal norms, heartbreak doesn’t follow a timeline. Whether you’re 27 or 72, it’s still real, and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal. Instead of worrying about where you “should” be, focus on self-care and growth. The sooner we stop racing against the clock, the better off we’ll be.