We can make it if we sleep with other people

There’s a tendency to talk about polyamory as if it’s an alien experience. Loving and being loved by multiple partners seems to be the most ludicrous idea ever to a serial monogamist. What do you mean you have two partners at the same time? Isn’t that just cheating? What happens if you break up? 

But truth be told, we really shouldn’t be strangers to polyamory. One of the few things scientists and historians alike agree on is that non-monogamous relationships have been around since ancient times.  

So whilst polyamory isn’t strange, the question remains: What does happen if you break up? Does having another partner somehow soften the blow of getting your heart broken? Or is it the other way around, and the mere existence of a third party adds a whole new layer of chaos into what’s an already god-awful experience? 

Eric Harris and Maria Fernandes are your typical friends-to-lovers… except they met on Tumblr, lived in different countries for the first three years of their relationship, are now engaged and occasionally date other people. 

In this interview they explain being comforted by your boyfriend after a brutal ghosting from your girlfriend and the best parts of polyamory. 

“Poly is something that I am. It’s something I’ve always been, just part of the way I express love”

MARIA

We met online in 2014 and became friends. He had a girlfriend, and I had a situationship. Tumblr was bad for messaging, so we only talked occasionally. Then on Valentine’s Day, Eric was watching a movie with his girlfriend and she dumped him. Around the same time, I ended my situation because he was ashamed of being with me.

We met and decided to be friends with benefits and kept this up for a bit until Eric decided to get back with a different ex. He hurt me a lot because I had been falling for him. He came back like, “hey I’m free again” but we didn’t start dating properly until months later.

ERIC

I had been with my first girlfriend and things went bad. She was toxic. So, I didn’t realise I was falling in love with Maria. I had feelings for this one person and also for this other person. How could this be a thing? 

Technically I always was poly, I just didn’t know what the name for it was. I wasn’t aware of the title or that it applied to me. I thought that was normal. 

MARIA

Eric’s Dad was poly.

ERIC

I don’t know if he was just a “man” or if he was poly. Romantically, he was weird.  He had a big Dracula vampire thing and so referred to girlfriends as brides. At one point there were seven brides. My mom included. There were five women that he had seven kids from. He got around. 

I grew up having multiple crushes and I never understood the social tactics of pursuing one person. I could form crushes independently of another. Having feelings for a new girl didn’t affect how much I liked the first. It sucks when you have a crush on a whole friend group, though. That was a thing at one point. 

As an identity, for me, poly is something that I am. It’s something I’ve always been, just part of the way I express love.

MARIA

Opening our relationship wasn’t as comfortable as I thought. I didn’t like Eric going on dates at first, so we stopped the openness. He didn’t get the memo and he cheated on me with a girl. 

ERIC

I fucked up. We closed the relationship and were rebuilding when Maria developed a crush on Emily. Maria felt guilty then because we had closed the relationship and she was having these feelings for someone, so we had to have a conversation. 

MARIA

It took a while and a lot of late-night talks to work it out. That was years ago. We’ve been an established poly couple for six years now.

In that time I’ve had five breakups. The first was with Emily, who was also my first gay relationship. The breakup was so bad. She didn’t end things with me. She just stopped responding. Breakups are either because people don’t have time, or they are very bad at dating. It bothers me because I’m the one who has multiple partners, and I manage to find the time to communicate. So, why can’t a person that only has one partner do that?

We had a group chat, and Emily would text: ‘“Oh, I’m seeing this guy tonight”’ and I’d be like “I don’t know about any guy that you’re seeing.” But because I was poly, I felt like I didn’t have a right to say anything or ask what was going on. 

I was very sad when we split, but Eric was by my side the whole time. He would just hug me and calm me down. When you’re heartbroken, everyone tells you it’s going to be okay, but him saying those things adds a little more intensity to it. We have a very secure relationship. I may not know how things are going to be outside of that, but I know that this is okay – so I will be okay.

ERIC

As Maria’s partner, it’s understanding that she’s sad and she’s navigating that. Maria’s a Pisces woman; she feels intensely. You’ve got to be slow and gentle. Being able to provide reassurance is a big thing, as is making her laugh. Thank God I’m a goofball.

It also helps if you understand your partner. That’s the same in a monogamous relationship, understanding and listening to your partner’s needs. Sit in the mud with them, basically. Comforting her through a breakup is no different than comforting a partner about anything that they are intensely sad about.

I haven’t gone through any breakups, but I’ve had an adjacent experience. I’ve had serious sad points when situations have ended in intense ways. I was seeing someone who said they could see a future with me and then she went back to her ex. 

When I’m sad, I’m best left alone. Every fibre of my being says get away from me, but it helps me to just know that she’s there. Even if we’re just in the same room. That matters. That means more for me than being hugged or caressed. 

MARIA

It’s a lot like gentle parenting. Finding the balance and trying not to be very mean about their other partner. You don’t want to be like “yeah, I always thought she was a bitch,” so you need to find a way to be like “she was not being the nicest”.

If Eric’s been hurt by a partner, it hurts me too. His most recent girlfriend was really sweet; we were friends. I was happy they were a thing, then she fucked up. That also hurt me in a way, because I was seeing him have this different happiness and then he was crushed. 

ERIC

For me the hardest part of Maria’s breakups is witnessing repeated situations and having to maintain supportive interest. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. At a certain point, you abandon the horse. 

The best part of breakups when you’re poly is having someone you know, no matter what time of the day it is, will drop whatever they’re doing to help you. It’s like having a best friend that’s always there and is more invested than a normal best friend.

Plus, they know literally every single detail of what you’ve been through.

Some names changed

Images do not depict the actual people behind the words