When women fall ill, their relationships are far more likely to end. Is this the result of how we raise men to love, and can it be changed?
For many young girls, playing with Sylvanian families, setting up tea parties, and making friendship bracelets, are a normal part of childhood. It’s sweet, creative and provides an outlet for imagination – all of which should be encouraged.
In isolation these pastimes are totally harmless. But take a step back and you’ll see that they promote nurturing and caregiving characteristics which young girls will later go on to exhibit in their relationships.
So what happens when, through physical or mental impairment, women are unable to play the doting partner and instead themselves require care? According to a recent study from the Journal of Marriage and Family, the likely outcome is that if the relationship is a heterosexual one, then it will end. In fact, the relationship is seven times more likely to end than if the man were to fall ill.
While the relationships may not legally end, men are statistically more likely to check out and leave their sick wives to take care of themselves
To most, this is a shocking statistic, but not to June Ainsley, an American TikToker. Ainsley comes from a “wild genetic cluster” of multiple sclerosis (MS) in which her mother, six aunts and subsequently herself have been diagnosed with the condition.
Growing up, she witnessed relationships deteriorate in tandem with the onset of symptoms: “I had one aunt who couldn’t walk without assistance, talk, or even at times dial the phone. Her husband would just leave her to fend for herself while he went on holiday for weeks at a time.”
Observing the trajectory of her relatives’ relationships led Ainsley to identify similar warning signs in her own marriage. She explains how her husband would “pick random fights for no reason” and that “resentment would build when [she] wasn’t able to fulfil [her] share” of household tasks.
What Ainsley describes in her family is a pattern of abandonment from the male partners. While the relationships may not legally end, men are statistically more likely to check out and leave their sick wives to take care of themselves.
It’d be a leap to assume that men’s “patriarchal selfishness” is always tantamount to neglect. Dr. Ingela Thuné-Boyle, a health psychologist, sees “plenty of men who are dedicated to caring for their wives”. Anecdotally, however, “their best often isn’t good enough” and the relationship as a result fails.
From her time working in oncology, Thuné-Boyle recounted an occasion when a patient was “diagnosed with terminal cancer while four months pregnant, she lost the baby, and her husband just bailed”.
Though disproportionately impacted, women are not exclusively the victims of this relationship trajectory. When a man gets sick, they, too, can notice a decline in their relationships.
No one is born with the correct skillset to deal with chronic illness
When diagnosed with fibromyalgia and muscle dystonia, Oliver George noticed that his relationship with his girlfriend strengthened, yet he became isolated in his male friendships, which he now firmly believes are built on common interests. “Suddenly I can’t talk much, I can’t move anymore, and I can’t go to the gym,” he says. “All the reasons for meeting up with them were taken away, and so the relationships you have with people dwindle.”
Both Ainsley and George understand that chronic illness doesn’t exist in a vacuum. There’s no denying that watching your loved ones suffer is heart-breaking and spouses, friends, relatives are also impacted. Ainsley is quick to emphasise that her husband “is not a bad guy”, and George “would never blame someone for not understanding” as supporting someone with a chronic illness is “a baptism of fire”.
No one is born with the correct skillset to deal with chronic illness. It’s not like doctors and nurses come out of the womb with a stethoscope and an unabridged desire to help. There are, however, things that straight men, in particular, can do to better support their partners with illnesses so that the relationship ending doesn’t become a forgone conclusion.
Thuné-Boyle advises that communication is key: “It can be really hard to live with someone with chronic illness. That’s okay. It’s how you come together and decide as a couple to get through it that matters most.”
It’s also integral that we learn from the past and examine the way in which we are raising the next generation of men. Ainsley, for example, makes sure her young son “helps around the house” and that he is encouraged “to look after [her] when [her] symptoms flare up”.
Ultimately, the way we approach caregiving in relationships isn’t a question of nature, it’s nurture. And that means it can be unlearned. By normalising emotional support for men as much as for women, and instilling the same caring characteristics, there’s a future where the vows in sickness and in health can be fulfilled.
Relationships aren’t just about showing up when things are easy – they’re about staying when they’re not.