After a breakup, the sudden withdrawal of neurochemical ‘high’ mimics withdrawal symptoms seen in addiction, leading to restlessness, fragmented sleep, and even nightmares

It’s 11pm, and after a long, exhausting day, you finally crawl into bed. You’re drained mentally and physically, having spent hours distracting yourself from your recent breakup, resisting the pull of doom-scrolling and fighting the urge to re-read old texts. You hope – just for a moment – that sleep will bring relief.

But the moment your head hits the pillow, it’s like your brain flips a switch. Sleepiness? Gone. Exhaustion? Never heard of her. The ability to think about anything other than your scoundrel of an ex? Not a chance.

As tempting as it is to push sleep down your list of concerns, its importance can’t be overstated. In the past two decades, research has uncovered just how damaging sleep deprivation can be – far beyond mere daytime grogginess. A lack of sleep is linked to a higher risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and a weakened immune system, while also intensifying symptoms of depression and anxiety.

While it might be easy to keep scrolling that extra hour before sleep, research by University College London found that consistently sleeping less than five hours a night might raise the risk of developing depressive symptoms. They also discovered that people sleeping five hours or less were 2.5 times more likely to develop depressive symptoms, while people with depressive symptoms were a third more likely to suffer from short sleep.

The science is clear: sleep is a fundamental pillar of emotional and physical wellbeing. And when our bodies are already being put through the emotional wringer, prioritising rest isn’t just self-care. It’s survival.

For Lydia, 27, the nights after her breakup were unbearable. Having lived with her ex for three years, she suddenly found herself in a bed that felt too big, the absence of his presence making sleep impossible. “I would toss and turn trying to get comfortable, but it just felt wrong,” she says. “The hardest part was my mind racing. I knew I was exhausted, but my brain wouldn’t switch off.”

She struggled with insomnia for months, describing a relentless cycle of overthinking and exhaustion. “It wasn’t just the lack of sleep – it was the sheer emotional toll. I felt like I was constantly in fight-or-flight mode, barely getting through the day,” she says. Over time, she introduced small habits like white noise, meditation, and cutting out screens before bed. “They didn’t work overnight, but eventually, I built better sleep habits.”

Breakups, however, aren’t just emotional – they’re neurobiological events. Accredited Psychotherapist and Trauma Specialist Tina Chummun explains: “Breakups activate the brain’s stress response, flooding the body with cortisol and adrenaline, which heightens alertness and makes it harder to relax. The amygdala, our emotional alarm system, perceives the loss as a threat to security, making sleep elusive.” 

Chummun also says that romantic relationships engage the brain’s reward system, particularly dopamine pathways associated with attachment and pleasure. “After a breakup, the sudden withdrawal of this neurochemical ‘high’ mimics withdrawal symptoms seen in addiction, leading to restlessness, fragmented sleep, and even nightmares,” she explains.

It’s reassuring to know that when we’re lying awake at night, replaying every “what if” and “if only”, our sleeplessness isn’t a sign we’re losing our minds – it’s simply our brain’s stress response in overdrive. But by understanding this, we can work with our bodies, not against them, to gently guide ourselves back into a restful sleep routine.

James Wilson, the founder of Sleep Geek, is a sleep practitioner dedicated to helping individuals and businesses improve their rest through education and tailored support. Through seminars, webinars, and one-on-one coaching, Sleep Geek equips people with the tools to sleep better. Having worked with major brands like Next and Under Armour, Wilson has tackled a wide range of sleep-related challenges, helping people get the best rest in every aspect of life.

When it comes to breakups, many people struggle to understand why they can’t sleep. According to Wilson, the reason is simple: “Sleep is about physical and emotional security. The more physically and emotionally secure you are, the more likely you are to sleep well.”

“Going through a breakup is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences we face,” says Wilson. “It triggers stress and anxiety, leaving us feeling vulnerable. And when we feel vulnerable, our mind and body go into survival mode, making quality sleep much harder.”

​​For Talia, 26, at the time of her breakup, sleep became a battleground. Already struggling with anxiety, the heartbreak only intensified it. “I wanted to sleep because it was the only time I wasn’t crying, but I found it impossible,” she recalls. “I’d lie in bed for hours, knowing I needed rest, but my mind wouldn’t stop racing. I was endlessly crying, unable to switch off.”

The first week after the breakup, she couldn’t bear to be alone and slept in her mum’s room. “The memories in my room were too overwhelming,” she says. She even resorted to sleeping tablets for two weeks to get some rest before switching to herbal remedies, audiobooks, and baths before bed. “Getting back to work helped,” she adds. “Being distracted during the day made it easier to fall asleep at night, but weekends were the hardest.”

When helping clients struggling with post-breakup sleep, Wilson first identifies their triggers. “It’s a form of trauma,” he explains, noting that the brain perceives the loss as a threat. His approach focuses on mindset shifts to break the cycle of restless nights.

“We need to reassure you that waking up during the night is normal, then work on reducing the stress and anxiety that keep you awake,” he says. “The real issue isn’t waking up at 2am – it’s the four hours of rumination that follow, only to finally relax at 6.30, just as it’s time to get up.”

To combat this, he suggests listening to an audiobook – something familiar and reassuring – or calming music. “Not music that reminds you of your ex – so no Adele!” he jokes. “Our hearing is our alarm system. At night, our senses are more acute because we’re naturally vulnerable, so if we can relax our hearing, our other senses will follow. That’s why sound can be such an effective tool.”

Wilson also advises engaging the mind with simple tasks to shift focus away from anxious thoughts. “Try counting backwards from 1,000 or using a breathing technique like box breathing. You have to change these techniques up, though – your brain adapts.”

If you find yourself wide awake at 2am, he recommends avoiding the panic spiral. “People lie in bed worrying about not sleeping, which only increases stress. If you can’t sleep, get up and do something enjoyable, rather than lying there feeling frustrated.”

Many people panic when their sleep is disrupted after a breakup, especially if they’ve never struggled before. “People start tracking their sleep, trying to fix it, but they don’t trust their body anymore because of the emotional shock,” Wilson explains. “This often leads to unhealthy reliance on sleeping aids.”

Nadia DiLuzio, a Psychotherapist, adds that breakups can keep the body’s stress response locked in overdrive. “The body releases cortisol to help us react to immediate danger, but in this context, the ‘threat’ is emotional rather than physical,” she says. “If we stay in this heightened state, it interferes with our ability to relax and sleep.”

She suggests reframing sleep as an act of self-repair rather than another task to achieve. “The brain consolidates emotional memories during REM sleep, meaning rest is an active process of healing. Prioritising sleep hygiene, self-compassion, and gentle routines can support recovery after heartbreak.”

DiLuzio notes that self-awareness is key: “You are the only person who can restore a sense of calm amidst the chaos. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it.”