Found yourself thinking about someone other than your partner? Wondering if it’s grounds to end it? We spoke to relationship experts and people who have been there to break down when to fight for it, or when to walk away.
When Archie* was 15 the girl he was seeing told him that she wasn’t sure the feelings she had for him were as passionate as they were for a close friend of theirs.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t something he was bothered by. So unbothered in fact that the relationship continued long after the confession. “I know that people I’ve been with in the past have been doing things with other people. I’ve known it because they’ve been open. That’s completely fine.”
Archie, now 22, recently split from his long-term girlfriend and is currently considering non-monogamy. “I like flirting with people. I like getting to know people. I am not sure the reason I broke up with her was because I felt I was getting to do that enough, but I think it may have informed part of the reason why I was unhappy.”
So, how do you determine whether your compulsive thoughts, your wandering gaze, the “totally meant nothing” dreams are a point of concern? Is a crush on someone else always a sign that it’s time to leave?
Relationship coach, Annie Fontaine, says no. “Having a crush on someone else while in a relationship is not necessarily a red flag. How you handle it matters.”
Step one: work out if you’re simply having some flirty fun, or if the feelings run deeper. The key distinguisher: how quickly do your feelings fade? Fontaine recommends journaling to separate fleeting attraction from deeper concerns.
Instead of focusing on this new person (seriously stop stalking their Instagram!), you should shift your attention back to your partner. “Are you emotionally and physically fulfilled?” asks Fontaine. “Have you been feeling disconnected? Are there unresolved issues?”
She also promotes the practice of “relationship gratitude”: “Every day, write down three things you appreciate about your partner to shift focus back to your relationship.”
She warns against engaging in any behaviour with this new crush that you wouldn’t be comfortable with your partner mimicking. Heartbreak and trauma recovery coach, Gemma Hall, agrees. “It’s fine to give a respectful compliment but when you know you’re hoping to get that reciprocated, that’s when we’re not being respectful.”
Yet, what’s crossing the line for one isn’t always the same for another. Archie finds it “reassuring” when his partners have eyes for others. “I don’t want people to become overly dependent on me. When I’m not the only person that someone has feelings for then I’m not the only person who’s responsible for their emotional support or validation.”
Hall has observed that it is “never really about the other person”. These confused feelings are very rarely about your relationship but due to a dissatisfaction in your wider world – be it your family, work or (God forbid) romantic life. “When that gap is created you start subconsciously looking for a solution everywhere.”
Hall recommends working through your crush solo, before communicating with your partner. Confessing can put the onus on them to make the decision for you. The expert insists that if it’s nothing more than a “fleeting, surface level attraction” then you shouldn’t mention it, especially if sharing would cause “unnecessary hurt, insecurity or distrust”.
When Isha Harris was 18, her and her then boyfriend downloaded Tinder. Separately. Open and accepting of their attraction to other people, they laid a couple of ground rules: chat all you like, but never meet Josh, 19, Aries, for a drink.
“As time went on I said I would be okay with him kissing other people. I want to kiss other people.” When the couple went to university, they tried an open relationship. “I thought this is definitely me. I still love you very much but it’s really fun to kiss other people. I also had known I was bi for a while but had never really had the opportunity to act on it.”
While the experts recommend keeping your feelings firmly locked inside (until it’s too late), Isha believes that being open is the best solution. “If you’re not communicating about everything then you’re kind of manipulating them by deciding what information they do and don’t know.”
Archie explains that he’s only ever felt guilty about having a crush on someone if he’s felt compelled to hide it. “It’s never a guilty thing until you start lying about it.” The part of you which seeks connection with others doesn’t get “turned off” when you commit yourself to one person; you’ve simply found someone who ticks enough of your boxes. “I think it’s natural, it’s not something which should be taboo.”
For him, his partner has never been the only person he has eyes for. “I don’t feel it necessary to put all of my energy into one person. I want to engage with different people who have different perspectives on life.”
In Isha’s relationships, both monogamous and non-monogamous, the dynamic has always been to openly comment on finding others attractive. She admits, however, that the situation can become a “bit murkier” when dreaded feelings develop. For Isha, the divide between physical attraction and emotional intimacy is not a binary but a spectrum. “Is this somebody who I would want to stay up all night talking to? Is it somebody who I would want to travel with? Is this somebody who I want to introduce to my family?”
She discusses her feelings for others in relation to “levels”. If you’ve got level one feelings for somebody (mere physical infatuation) then best not to sweat it. When they begin to creep into level two or three territory, it might be time for a deeper think. Isha has been in relationships where she has had “some level of feelings (probably level two)” for other people. “I told my partner. It was hard. I assured him that it didn’t change anything about my love for him. I don’t believe that love is zero sum.”
Eventually she came to the conclusion that she was capable of polyamory. While she enjoyed the freedom, her boyfriend did not, and they broke up. By complete coincidence a few weeks later, she met someone who’d just split with their partner to try non-monogamy. “We had a good relationship where we did kiss and sleep with other people. The rules were well-defined. If you get feelings, we should probably stop seeing the other person.”
Developing crushes for others isn’t always a signal to consider non-monogamy but heartbreak coach Gemma Hall has observed that when relationships are made open there’s often a stark improvement in communication. “They’re having to set really clear boundaries”.
While there is never one answer, Hall wants to remind people that there is hope: “If you are true to yourself, have really taken the time to listen to your instincts and look at your whole picture, then you will find your way through..”
*Name has been changed