“You’re not only losing your marriage, there’s a sense you could be losing your entire extended family and main support network.” Daisy Finch and Romy Journee investigate splitting with the Mormon Church
Joe was just 21 when he returned from his Mormon mission – a rite of passage for those in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) – sent around the world to spread the word of God. It was then that he met his future partner. He was freshly disillusioned with the Church’s teachings, after noticing several discrepancies in the Book of Mormon, and thought she was, too. Her only condition for their relationship? They “had to pretend to be a good Mormon couple around her parents.”
Four years later, Joe and his partner were happily living their lives outside of the Church – or so he thought. One morning, he was getting ready for a run when his partner announced she wanted to return to the faith. “She said she needed a temple marriage for her parents’ sake. I told her that was something I wouldn’t just ‘pretend’ for.” A few months later, the pair separated. For Joe, their breakup wasn’t just about splitting from his partner, but a commitment to splitting from his Mormon faith and community – something many ex-Mormons grapple with.
Mormons are having a moment in pop culture right now – from hit reality show The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives which charts the unhinged sphere of Utah’s elite (recently renewed for season two), to The Real Housewives’ latest instalment in the LDS capital, Salt Lake City. While it’s easy to get swept up in the chronicles of plastic surgery and partying, the LDS religion has much stricter guidelines than these shows would suggest – especially when it comes to relationships.
Followers of the Church, founded in 1830 by American political leader Joseph Smith, often grow up in strict religious communities where converting is rare. The religion, in just under 200 years, has built up a global following of 17 million, with nearly 7 million residing in the US. Of this number, 2 million reside in Utah – half the state’s population. Mormons fled there in the mid-1800s to escape persecution. The state is now a hub for LDS communities, with hundreds migrating to the area each year.
Everything has to be perfect, so people will pretend their relationship is perfect.
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City features several LDS divorcees, but the emotional fallout of splitting from your Mormon partner, and the judgement that can come with this, isn’t explored in any real depth. Steve, a “PIMO” (Physically In [the Church], Mentally Out), says that there’s a culture of silence within his community.
“Talking about marital issues is a taboo subject,” he explains. Married at 21, Steve (who preferred to go by his first name) was raised as a Mormon and married largely due to the pressure exerted by his bishop. “There’s a real ‘Keeping Up with the Joneses’ mentality – everything has to be perfect. So people will pretend their relationship is perfect. You learn how to cope with it.”
Steve, 38, lives in Indiana with his wife and three children – all Mormon. While the marriage has encountered difficulties from the start, divorce never seemed like an option until he started questioning his relationship and the Church’s teachings. Even raising the idea with his wife was a torturous process of hesitation and guilt.
“I spent months listing off the pros and cons, trying to work through it,” he says. “I had to try and separate my kids from the equation – if it were just me and my wife, would I stay?” He realised he had simply found someone “faithful,” and without religion to hold them together, there was little else they had in common.
After years of cognitive dissonance, his breaking point came after his wife underwent surgery. “I still feel ashamed, but part of me wanted something bad to have happened to her, and it was a wake up call. It caused me to start thinking, ‘Why do I feel like this?’ and ‘How did I get here?’”
Feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship isn’t just a matter for life on Earth – its impact stretches into eternity. Church teachings around marriage promote an eternal commitment, with many couples undergoing a temple “sealing” ceremony that binds them together for all eternity.
Part of me wanted something bad to happen to her – it was a wake up call. I thought, “How did I get here?”
Steve’s marriage is now essentially over. He explains that there’s no physical contact between him and his wife, despite them still living together, and very little communication. He told his wife he wanted a divorce back in July 2024, and agreed to marriage counselling at her request, but the relationship remains stagnant. “For her, divorce isn’t an option.”
But what about those who have made the jump? Joe has been detached from the Church for around 20 years, and identifies as an atheist. “I stopped wearing the ‘magic underwear’” – modesty garments that cover the wearer’s shoulders and knees – “about a year into my mission. I haven’t considered myself Mormon since then.” Now, happily married to a Catholic woman, he says faith has never been an issue in his current relationship.
“Mormons are 100 per cent in. In [the LDS Church], the religion will always come before [a] partner. It’s great when both parties are putting their religion first and their relationship, family, [and] kids second,” he jokes. “But when those priorities change there isn’t much that can be done.”
The rest of Joe’s family is still involved with the Church but he says he’s never been happier. “When I got home from my mission I was so ready to never go to church, never read the BoM [Book of Mormon] again, and finally start living my life on my own terms. It was freedom.”
Despite the social stigma, Dr Patrick Mason, Professor of Religious Studies at Utah State University, says divorce rates are increasing within the Church – although it’s still lower than the national average. “A few decades ago, there would have been a strong cultural – even theological – prescription against divorce. It would have been seen as something of a marker of shame, or failure to live up to one’s religion,” he says. “I think some of that may persist, but it has softened quite a bit.”
Many of these feelings originate in the faith’s emphasis on marriage as a key doctrine. “Marriage is absolutely the core, not only of the theological system, but also of the cultural system,” Dr Mason explains. “So if a marriage doesn’t work out for perfectly good and legitimate reasons – [which] a person may know intellectually – they may still carry a sense that they could have lived up to these religious commitments in a better way.”
It’s not just the pressure exerted on the sanctity of a couple’s relationship that can make it difficult to break apart. For those in the LDS Church, separation isn’t experienced on the level of the individual, but expands out to the community. “I certainly know of cases where somebody experiences a faith crisis that leads to the end of a marriage,” says Dr Mason. “There it almost feels like a double divorce – it’s doubly difficult.”
“You’re not only losing your marriage and your spouse, but there’s a sense you could be losing your entire extended family and main support network.”
For both Steve and Joe, the decision to distance themselves from the Church and from their partner brought with it the opportunity to start imagining a life outside of Mormon teachings. Though in some cases it can be heartbreaking to leave behind a community and spouse as it is to end a secular partnership, there’s a freedom to be found in living life on your terms. Perhaps, in the case of Steve and Joe, it’s a matter of stepping towards a paradise of their own making.
Names have been changed.