Dear Ex-pert
I’ve just gone through a really messy breakup. My ex and I had a toxic relationship. We weren’t good for each other, but I can’t seem to let go. In a moment of weakness, I slept with him, seeking comfort from the very person who hurt me the most. I hate myself for doing it, but I hate myself even more for how happy it made me. Why do I still crave closeness with someone who isn’t right for me?
From
Ex-sex-obsessed
Dear Ex-sex-obsessed
First up, I think it’s important to address something: you should never hate yourself for sleeping with your ex. Fundamentally, it’s just not good to talk about yourself in that way. Breakups are confusing, and your emotions are always going to be all over the place. There’s a lot you can’t control in a breakup, but there is one thing you can: how you treat yourself.
Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace and understanding, and remember that you’re doing the best you can. If you need to doom-scroll in bed still wrapped in your towel, wet from a shower, that’s not a waste of your time – it’s a radical act of self-care.
Now that’s sorted, let’s get onto the juice. Sleeping with your ex, however painful, is inherently one of the small joys we have in this life ruined by late stage capitalism. Breakups are shit, but having sex with someone you are attracted to is great!
As counterintuitive as it may sound, the breakup is a new experience for you as a partnership. Your respective newfound independence introduces a new dynamic into your relationship which will lead to new dynamics in sex. That can feel intoxicating, so it’s no wonder that you’re double-dipping.
So if you’re going to sleep with your ex, lean into the chaos of it. Turn it into theatre, revel in the act of doing something you know you shouldn’t.
I’ve personally never experienced a more active group chat than when one of my best friends posted a BeReal of her ex – shirtless – cooking her breakfast on a Wednesday, when she should have been at work. Turn a late night mistake into an experience for all to enjoy, gossip with your friends, laugh through the acts of contrition, and be the spectacle you deserve to be.
From your message to me, it sounds like you understand that your relationship wasn’t good for you and you’re not trying to go back into it. So the most important thing you can do now is to separate the idea of having sex with your ex from the idea of craving closeness from him.
Remember that sex can just be fun and frivolous. It doesn’t have to mean any more than you want it to. It’s all part of the process of healing a broken heart.
Just don’t stay too long in the morning.
Yours
Ex-pert